What I’m about to share with you is like step 4.  First you’ve got to approach the girl, and then you’ve got to get her to like you, then you’ve got to make the girl want you, and THEN you’re ready to make her fall in love with you.  If you haven’t read those articles yet, you should do that first.

But once she is starting to like you and you’ve hung out a few times, what I’m about to tell you here is going to take her from wanting you, to beginning to fall in love with you.  And all you’ve gotta do is be thoughtful.

It’s one of those mushy words that calls us to be our better selves, and there was definitely a (rather selfish) time in my life when I was dismissive of anything that involved me putting forth extra effort to attract women.

But this morning, as I was posting a song called “Fatima” to my friend Fatima’s facebook wall, it struck me how much of a role thoughtfulness has played in my best relationships.

Examples of How To Make A Girl Fall In Love With You:

- my very first girlfriend (back when we were high-schoolers haha) told me that her favorite Sesame Street character was Bert. I showed up on our third date with a big helium balloon of Bert’s face

- on our first date, my current girlfriend told me that she wanted to change the world. a few weeks later, I had a book about Social Entrepreneurship called “How To Change The World” sent to her house (gotta love Amazon Prime)

- again with my current girlfriend, when we were getting to know each other, I posted a quote from a book called Shantaram on my facebook wall – “every act of love is in some way a promise to forgive”. I knew her enough to suspect that this would speak right to her heart, and sure enough, she commented on it within moments.

- one of my girlfriends had a musical composer she was absolutely passionate about. I bought one of his albums between our first and second date and was prepped to discuss it.

- As we were getting to know each other, my FHM cover model girlfriend from a few years ago got a cold. I had chicken noodle soup and airborne sent to her house.  She told me that this was the moment when she was like “whoa, NO guy does this for me”.

- When texting with a girl who I dated from Sweden, I looked up a Swedish food on Wikipedia and told her we should get some.

Notice that nothing here cost more than ten bucks. A few other similarities…

- even though I was “giving” in almost all cases, there was no supplication or wimpiness.

- I truly delighted in surprising these girls something unexpected

- all of the instances required that I pay attention to something unique to the girl

- none of these things required ridiculous effort.

This is the 80/20 Principle of How To Make A Girl Fall In Love With You

It’s sort of the 80/20 principle of making a girl fall in love with you. Most guys do boring dinner dates and aren’t very unique or thoughtful in their gifts, but when YOU are the guy who is unique and does something to show her that you’ve discovered something special about her, she is gonna start to really fall for you.

If you take great pleasure in making women happy, then thoughtful little gifts and actions go a LONG way.

And let me be clear – if your head and your heart are in the right place, then this stuff is going to come naturally.  It’s not a technique.

A lot of guys think you have to have this amazing lifestyle, get bottle service every time you go out, wear the most stylish new threads… no no no. Those can put you in the game, but this is the stuff that makes the real connection happen… especially with the girls who every other guy is chasing.

Mix this stuff up with attraction stuff (good body language, flirtatiousness, showing your desire) and you’ll be a powerhouse.

Got a question or a thought?  Leave a comment!  And if you’re not already on my mailing list, get the heck on it… it’s FULL of stuff like this (but better – I save my best stuff for mailing list subscribers).

**** READER QUESTION ****

Christian, I’ve been into this pickup stuff for about six months now.  I read The Game and bought a DVD product, and I noticed myself changing.  I got a little more confident, have had some great successes but I also noticed that I was alienating people.

You seem very natural and, well… you don’t seem like a weirdo.  In fact, you seem like a guy I’d just want to hang out with.  After I got your email about your party, I thought about how I would fit into your social circle and I realized that I am very unconfidant about myself because I’m worried that I’ve become “creepy pickup guy”.

Any thoughts?

—> CHRISTIAN SAYS:

Thanks man, glad I’m “not a weirdo.”  That’s the nicest thing anyone’s told me in 2 weeks

In the past, I’ve occasionally invited “community” people to my parties and I almost always regret it.  Creepy Pickup Guy is scarier than any zombie or mummy.  So these days, I’m VERY selective about the guys who I let into my life.

The thing is, I really care about the girls in my life. And that’s the first step towards being not-creepy guy who is good with women.  Do you like women?

When guys get into this stuff, they hear stories about gurus who get laid like rockstars, they read about the shenanigans and the trouble and the fun, and it is very appealing.  So they may let their values get out of wack.  All the symptoms are rooted in one cause.

Creepy Pickup Guy is Creepy is because he treats women as “targets” and his sole purpose is to attract women..”

This comes across in many ways.  He attempts to get a girl’s number not because he actually likes her, but because he thinks he should.  He tries to build connections where there are none.  He’s inauthentic.  He assumes that every girl he talks to needs to be “gamed”.  And he hugs WAY TOO DAMN MUCH.

This is so unattractive and creepy.  Know why?

It smacks of effort.

Look, an interesting thing happens when guys start studying this stuff.  Let’s say they were 99% wimp before.  They read an eBook and all of a sudden then swing the other way and become 99% tough guy.  Still unattractive.

Or let’s say that they were very shy and introverted before.  The notion of “kino,” or playfully touching a girl, was foreign to them.  So now they read they should kino, and they start doing it all the time.

And since he was always in the friend zone before, he now pushes too hard with every girl he meets.

Creepy Pickup Guy probably once heard someone tell him that “its always on”.

Well, that’s not exactly right.

When its “always on,” you stop being authentic.  Game is called game for a reason – it is a set of superficial techniques and tools meant to help break down social barriers and build attraction.  But in chill social situations like a house party, the barriers are already broken down.

Gaming a girl at a house party is like laying seige to a city with no walls or towers.

She's Not Going To Open Up For Creepy Pickup Guy

A MUCH BETTER mindset is “I’m going to have fun with everyone and see who I get along with.”  You’ll make friends with some of the girls and realize that they’re not for you.  You’ll find sexual chemistry with others.  You’ll understand *why* you’re taking numbers.

I attribute a lot of my social circle success to a very casual attitude, and the mindset that girls I meet in social situations are friends until proven otherwise.

Most of the community people I know, though… I can’t trust that they will be respectful to my female friends, that they’ll have the sense to turn the game off and just enjoy themselves.

Its ok to be a little bit edgy.  But don’t be creepy.

—

You can call it toughness, you can call it desire. I like toughness and tenderness because they’re alliterative.

Here’s how I see the dance of seduction in terms of polarities. It really does start with a man’s desire. And a woman could look at a man, she could see Brad Pitt across a bar and get turned on. But, again, that happens one time out of ten. Nine times out of ten the man is  going to have to initiate with his desire, and some women will just surrender right there. But most  women, when you show your desire they put up resistance because they want to see, is this desire of a purely sexual nature or is there more depth? And when that resistance comes up, that’s when you show your tenderness, and your tenderness is what allows her to surrender into you and to trust you. So it’s a dance of you initiating desire, her initiating resistance, you initiating tenderness and her initiating surrender.

Seduction Begins With Your Desire

And desire starts with you, it’s starts with your desire to bring out something beautiful in her. And what you will find is that when you express your desire very frequently you will encounter resistance. Women will put up resistance, because every man desires them.    

In my experience when you just cut out the bullshit and express your desire properly, you give yourself so much more latitude to speak what’s on your mind.              

Women ultimately come to trust your authenticity, and they say “This is a man who knows what he wants, he’s a man who goes after it,” and again, she has the decision at that point to accept or reject. If she has a serious boyfriend, if she’s in a monogamous relationship, if she just doesn’t happen to like your shoes, she can accept or reject, but it all  starts with that desire and it all starts with the man accepting his role and  pushing that out there. So there’s again, a lot of ways that this can happen, but it often will cause rejection, or at least resistance. It’s something that she has to do. If a woman just surrenders herself to any man who shows desire, well she would – especially an attractive woman – if women just allowed themselves to surrender to any man who made an advance on them, we’d be a very different species.

I’m guessing if you’re reading this then there is a particular girl you like, and you’ve probably talked with her a little bit.  If you are still working up the courage to talk to her, that’s a whole other thing; you should read my tips on how to talk to approach a girl you like.

So here’s the simple way that to get a girl to want you:

1.) Be Awesome To Impress Her

It’s kind of cliche, but it’s like this: you’ve gotta have something more important than the girl in your life.  something you’re driven to do.  not just because she’ll respect you for being driven, but also because she’s gotta know that you’ve got something more important than her.  A girls gets turned off when she’s the center of a guy’s life, but if she feels like she has to COMPETE for his attention with something else, it’s a big turn on.  She wants to be part of the adventure… she doesn’t want to be the adventure.

2.) Build Attraction By Making Her Feel Good

When you’re around her, make her FEEL GOOD.  Most nice guys do this by kissing her ass, talking about their feelings.  Jerks are just, well… jerks.  They’re mean and they put girls down.  And insecure guys just try to prove themselves and brag.  That’s not how to do it. Instead, you need to make her LAUGH and SMILE by being playful and teasing her – that’s how to get a girl to want you.   And you have to be ok making fun of yourself too – it shows that you’re confident.

This video demonstrates some examples of how to flirt with a girl properly using a ninja technique that I call “implied investment”.  It’s kind of long (I would definitely tighten it up if I recorded it again) but it’s full of awesome material.  I also reveal some huge mistakes that I see guys making, and what to do instead.

3.) Excite Her By Being Unpredictable

 Answer some of her texts immediately, but make her wait an hour before answering others.  Or be super friendly one day, like hugging her and smiling at her a lot, then be kind of distant the next day.  This unpredictability creates DRAMA and makes her work invest more in getting your attention.  I mean heck, she already knows you’re awesome and she already feels good around you, so just make her miss it and wonder if she can have it all to herself, and you’ll be set.

Make a Girl Want You: More Tips 

Helpful?  Well, this is basically the simple way to make a girl like you. Obviously there are a lot of little details… how to flirt with her, how to be attractive, how to tease her without being a dick… but if you can keep these three principles in mind, you’ll be golden.

So two things here:  first, leave me a comment and let me know what you think.  And second, get on my mailing list… it’s got all of my best tips on SPECIFICS for attracting women.

Let’s break down exactly why looks aren’t what women find attractive in men. What do you think men are attracted to in women?

You may just think that it’s looks that men find to be what generates attraction from men to women. Some of it may actually be visual. Though, it’s not. From an evolutionary psychology stand point, we are led to believe that men are attracted to woman not exactly for their looks. What men are actually attracted to in women, are signs of youth and fertility. She doesn’t necessarily have to be young and or fertile, though if she demonstrates the energy and optimism of someone who does possess these traits, than she will be highly attractive to men.

This is because, as men we know that if we were to find someone who had youthful energy and was able to have a child, the child will be beautiful and healthy as well. Beautiful and healthy people, have an advantage in life, typically being given privileges in life, like higher pay, and self-assurance. To have kids that knew how to make themselves be happy, would make your life as a father, a success.

Now, what do women find to be attractive in men? What are women attracted to in men? They are attracted to personal value and social status. Social status, meaning having the potential to provide and protect with ease. This doesn’t mean the guy has to have a lot of money, though it does mean he has to possess the traits of someone who could have financial stability. Someone who is well-off financially tends to be confident and happy. If you are a man who is confident and happy well then you possess the traits of someone who has social status.

What you have to understand that, is that however you first portray yourself to people is how they will believe you to actually be. The same goes for yourself. If you are wanting to have a lot of money, instead of worrying so much about what you want to have, it would be better to identify how someone who has a lot of money acts in the world. How does that person, make people around him feel? How do people receive him. If you can play into being a person who has money, then it will be a lot easier for you to actually take the actions into what will make you the money.

Now, not only is social status what is attractive, also is personal value. Personal value essentially is, how much you believe you deserve. People that feel as if they deserve the best, tend to get the best. Most men, work backwards and believe they need social status before getting personal value. This is completely invalid. It would be better to go about getting personal value in order to gain social status.

—

This article was originally written by our awesome friend, Kevin Salas.

Learning how the body language to attract women is a critical part of being a charming, charismatic guy.  As you read our stuff closely and become better with women, you’ll find that you’re doing more with less – in other words, you’ll speak less but use your body language more.

Now straight up, this isn’t something that is mastered overnight.  On our pickup bootcamps, we spend hours and hours drilling this stuff with clients, making corrections when we’re out at the bar with them, and making sure that they’re being consciously reminded about what to do.

If you want to work on your body language to attract women, the first thing I’d suggest is to pick up a few movies: Top Gun, Alfie, The Doors – you’ll learn a tremendous amount if you pay really close attention to how the guys move their bodies.  When you see the actors do something you want to try, go practice it in the mirror.  This is how actors become better – by studying other actors – so you should have zero reservations about it.

That should get you off to a good start.  The second thing to think about is this: body language is largely unconscious – it’s a reflection of how your subconscious is reacting to the world around it.  So while the tips I’m about to give you will work, the real success will come from you believing that they will work and being confident with them.

3 Body Language Tricks To Attract Women

1.) Do The Double-Cheek Kiss When You Meet Her:  Gotta give it to the Europeans for making things physical quickly – the double-cheek kiss is the bomb.  Of course, if you grew up in the Midwest like I did, then you might be a latecomer to this party, but hey – better late than never.  It’s simple – here are the steps:

Hold out your right hand to shake hers, then extend your left hand to her elbow and gently pull her in towards your body.  Start with a kiss on her right cheek, then a kiss on the left.  As you pull away, flash her a genuinely warm smile and eye contact for a second.  That part is key.  Then quickly move on to whomever else you need to meet.  It leaves an instant impression and she’ll want more.

2.) Keep Your Hands In Your Back Pockets:  Very few guys I know do this, which is their loss (and now your win). It’s especially effective at the beginning of an interaction.  Why?  Well, it shows that you’re incredibly open and comfortable with yourself.  While your hands are back there, you can even rock your hips back and forth a little bit as you shift your weight from foot to foot.  And this is especially cute when you shrug your shoulders in an “I don’t know” sort of motion.  The important thing here is that you’re moving while you’re talking; don’t just stand there like a stiff tree.

3.)  The Head Tilt: Again, an instantly-recognizable trait in guys who are good at talking to women.  Tilt your head to the side by about 10 degrees, and narrow your eyes slightly.  This indicates that you’re listening intently. There are a lot of facial mannerisms that this position sets you up to make – you can give her a “Robert deNiro Frown” if you disbelieve her, you can sneer if she says something weird or offensive, you can raise your brow if you want to communicate empathy… it all starts with the head tilt.

How To Learn Seductive Body Language to Attract Women

We’ve got a video called The Sparks Rapid Escalation Method that you’re gonna love.  You’ll see the seven steps that almost every single “natural” does unconsciously to turn a woman on with his body language.  Just join our mailing list and we’ll send you a link to our resources page where you can watch it in a second.

The hot girl in question is a composite of three girls I’ve known, and we’ll call her Sarah. Every girl has a little bit of Sarah in them – this composite we’re drawing is simply the most extreme iteration of it. Here’s the backstory, taken from my experiences with the three girls.

Sarah is a smart girl – far more intelligent than she initially appears. She plays the role of ditzy little girl with aplomb, and half of my friends still refuse to believe that her IQ could possibly break the triple digit barrier. But when it comes to men, she knows exactly what she’s doing. I’ve seen her destroy several guys (myself included), and I watch her keeping a steady flow of prospects in the pipeline. The guys she dates are good looking, successful, and usually, they fall hard.

I believe that deep down Sarah is also a good girl who wants to find a deeper happiness than her life today gives her, but as it stands, I’d hate for one of my friends to get caught up with a girl like her. And should you ever find yourself in a situation with a Sarah of your own its only fair that you understand exactly what’s going on. Personally, I’ve dated two girls like her before, and was in a wickedly hurtful relationship with one of them. Let’s see if we can get into Sarah’s head.

The first thing you have to know about her existence is that it is fairly shallow. Moment to moment, she seeks constant emotional and physical stimulation in the form of drugs, sex, cigarettes, text flirting with guys, etc. And unlike most of us, she’s able to get away with this because, well, she’s a hot girl in New York City or Los Angeles or Las Vegas who knows how to play the game.

Sarah also likes to party. She’s out two to four nights a week, sometimes hitting multiple clubs at once, and she’s always at the best and hottest new club. Promoters love her because she rarely brings guys along, and has a great personality; fun, ditzy, playful, giggly – everything you want in a girl when you’re out at a club.

But when she meets a guy in whom she’s interested, her demeanor changes instantly. First, her voice softens up to something akin to a baby’s cooing and her eyes become doe-like. The innocence comes across as capitulation, and flips a big switch in a man – his desire to take care of a woman.

But she also knows how to turn on the sexy… with a narrowing of the eyes, a crossing of the legs, a little bite of the lip – and she’s attractive enough that few men are going to turn her down. I’ve watched her do it to four randoms in clubs, as well as a friend of mine just to prove to me that she could.

This 1-2-3 combo results in paralyzing crushes. Fun wild social girl to fawning little bunny to sexual mistress.

She goes after professionals whenever possible. It is important for her ego that the men she’s dating have certain qualifications.

And as she starts dating a man, she’s full of push-pull. One morning she’s in his kitchen, wearing his oxford shirt and cooking breakfast for him. She tells him she’ll see him later that night, then flakes out and heads to the club with me where we’ll dance the night away.

The guy starts texting her… “Baby, where are you?” The next morning, she meekly apologizes, shows up for sex, and pulls the guy deeper into thinking that if he tries just a *little* bit harder, she’ll change for him.

And this is the genius – mad or otherwise – in how she handles a man. She is incredibly compliant and giving when she’s with him, to the point he thinks he “has her”. She is very emotional and “falls in love” quickly; temporary as it may be, the guy starts to believe it too. Her emotions are like a hurricane: as soon as they comes, they can also be gone.

And a guy wants to believe that he’s going to be the one who tames her, that she’ll be his domestic Debbie. Then, once she’s felt that the guy has invested enough into her (and critically, ONLY then) she’ll disappear.

And here’s the funny part – it works best on the guys with huge egos. The most successful, the best-looking, the ones who pick up women with ease, and the ones who eat women for breakfast. She’s sexy enough that she can make them work hard to get her – fancy meals, tables and bottles, whatever she wants, really – and once they’ve invested enough and then “won”, it becomes part of their ego that they’re dating the girl who everyone else wants but who no one can have. The moment she pulls away, that massive ego begins to lurch. I’ve watch guys cancel travel plans, leave work early, and go into debt trying to pull this girl back into their world.

Does this lead to good relationships? Absolutely not. It results in fights, guys showing up at her house (and mine) yelling in the street for her, and lots of bad feelings. But it works for her for two reasons.

First, all the drama is essentially emotional stimulation. Whether she’s feeling really good and excited about a guy, or whether he’s blowing up her berry with pleas and grievances, it is making her life interesting.

Secondly, while she is an intelligent girl, she has some *very* deep issues. Insecurities she’s not comfortable sharing with a guy with whom she’s romantically involved. She knows (instinctively) that if she truly opens herself up in that way, she’s putting herself in a position to be hurt. And she’s so insecure about who she really is that she’s just not going to let a guy who’s having sex with her have that kind of power over her.

What’s the lesson here for us guys?

Well, most importantly, do your homework and follow your instincts. A key concept in attraction is investment: the more you invest in something, the more of an emotional attachment you develop for it. And falling in love with Sarah is kind of like buying stock in a promising but volatile tech company – if it is a hot thing that is poised to take off and generate massive returns, you might get emotionally invested, and fail to get out when you should. Every now the company puts out a press release with incredibly good news, but since you’ve never met the management team, you don’t know if its accurate. And believe me, if a man is dealing with Sarah on a superficial or ego basis, he definitely hasn’t met management.

Perhaps you stated dating a girl and had people who knew her tell you to “watch out for her,” but you’ve defended her and said “no, I know her in a way that other people don’t,” or something else like that. Well, management is hidden away in the board room and letting the PR and customer service people do the talking, and you bought into the lines they’re feeding you.

What else? Don’t let your ego get caught up in determining whether she’d be a good girl for you. It is not your job to be her Dad, brother or burly protector. Sarah has great people in her life who are looking out for her, and just because you’re dating her her doesn’t mean its your responsibility to save her. Yes, if she sees your interest waning, she’ll work hard to get it back. But if you’re getting any signs that your girl is half-heartedly committed, that her insecurities and/or abilities with men are driving her to seek constant stimulation, then you just have to keep your eyes open. One day, when she’s had enough partying, she’ll find a solid man and latch on tight, and there will be no doubt in his mind (or hers) that she’s in it to win it. But until then, if there’s smoke, there’s probably fire.

The things that drive Sarah are present in everyone’s head. When you’re looking for a girlfriend, or just want to pick up women, its important to be able to see a woman for who she really is. I’ve been in relationships with girls who I thought were loving, honest people. Something went wrong, then all of a sudden I’m seeing parts of Sarah come out. The girl is pushing me, pulling me, and I’m telling myself “wait, this isn’t who she is! She’s the girl I was dating a few months ago… I just need to bring that back out of her.” Problem is, because her perception of me and the role that I play in her life changed, the person who she is when she’s dating me changed too.

Lessons learned. And hey – if you know yourself and who you are, you know what you’ll accept, what you won’t, and you’ll be able to give yourself fully and in love when the right girl comes along.

I’m a bit more confident these days – you can be assured of that – but it comes from knowing himself a little bit better and trusting himself more. 

One common thread in any story about confidence – whether it be those illustrated above, or those from any other confident person you’ll talk to, is the following: their confidence came from clearing the roadblocks.. That’s always how it is. You can prepare to clear the roadblocks if you see them ahead, or you can scout for alternate routes, or you can be lucky enough to have great reflexes so that you’re able to adopt on the fly. But at the end of the day, true confidence comes from getting past them and getting closer to your goals.

The metaphor here should be obvious. Becoming confident with women, and being able to effectively pick up women, ultimately requires that you become successful with women. There’s no shortcut or instant, Matrix-style brain download that can compete with real experience and real success. The neural pathways in your brain have a way of wiring themselves through experiences that no amount of cogitating and preparatory thinking can achieve. In that way, it’s a sort of weird Catch-22. So how do you get around it?

Of course, there are lots of things that can boost your confidence with women prior to achieving of all-out pimpdom. Success in any other part of your life has spillover effects into your pursuit of the feminine. Dressing better, making cooler friends, getting in shape… those all help, and we’ll be getting into them in a bit. Even hypnosis CDs and other such self-help programs can contribute. But if you spend too much time dwelling on the periphery of the issue of confidence with women, without dealing with it directly, you’re just postponing the inevitable.

How to break the logjam? Well, it’s kind of weird… but you just start doing the things you need to do. The things we’ll cover later in this book. And even some things we don’t cover. You just go do it, and all of a sudden, good stuff starts happening. You feel better about yourself for going after it. You stop having those regretful nights of “what if I’d talked to her?” or “what if I’d escalated?”. Whether you succeed or fail, you know you went for it. Then you regroup, figure out how to overcome the next roadblock, and go back out there. 

You just keep doing. You get out there and you do some more, until those roadblocks aren’t stopping you anymore. It’s frustrating sometimes, and depending on how well you learn and how devoted you are, it could take a little bit of time or a lot. But the confidence from being a man who does, who takes action, is a force to be reckoned with.

Action is all that matters. Repeated, disciplined action and eventual success breeds confidence like nothing else.

It’s a fun turn of the screw… as men, it’s within our gender role to ask for the number, and for as long as I’ve been at this, I’d say that I’m the one taking the number 80% of the time.  In the long run it doesn’t make a difference – you still have to follow up well – but pulling it off means you’re making great progress in your game and you can attract women..

So let’s start by asking ourselves – what would make a woman *want* to take your number? How do you attract women?

a.) she’s so enamored with your life and your world that she wants to be a part of it

b.) she feels such a strong connection to you that she couldn’t imagine it not continuing

c.) she’s feeling incredible chemistry with you and wants to feel it again

Any of the same could be said for “solid” numbers that you take from women.  So how do you set it up such that she’s the one who asks you?

One key principal – doing a LOT with a LITTLE.

The dynamic of the interaction needs to be such that she’s doing most of the work.  You are going to be leading it with some -bait- and some -questions- but you will do very little talking about your own life. There is something of an “ad hoc” formula to this:

1.) you start by “baiting”.  you casually mention something about your life that really connects with whatever she just said, in a very “high value” sort of way.  It can’t just be bragging – it genuinely has to demonstrate that you know what she’s talking about.

2.) she asks you about the bait.

3) you screen her on it.

4.) you screen her again.

5.) you screen her a third time

6.) you keep screening until it makes sense to stop

7.) you reluctantly qualify her, and finally answer her question

8.) future project, or include her in your life in some way

Let me give you an example, from the first time I consciously saw this happening.  It came about when I was talking about myself.  Later on, I’ll show you how to use this in your own life.

You might know that I DJ from time to time in Manhattan.  I’ve done some private parties, and a few cool venues, but I’ve never been in rotation at a huge club.  So while being a DJ is generally an asset when it comes to talking to girls, my particular experience isn’t noteworthy.  It’s more of a hobby..

I also don’t like to bs girls, so rather than give full answers, I’d rather be evasive and turn the conversation back on her.  Here’s how it played out:

I was talking with a girl about parties.

Me: “yeah, I dj’ed the last party we threw.  It was a great time, tons of people, went really late…”  You notice that the only thing about *me* in there is the bait – that I DJ.  Everything else is just factual stuff.

Her: “Wait, you DJ?, Where do you play?”  This is her taking the bait

Me: “Yeah I do.  What kind of music do you like to dance to?”  Notice that I intentionally avoided her second question, and rather than self-indulgently telling her everything about myself (which I couldn’t do anyway in this case!), I turned it around  and asked a screening question.

Her: “Oh uh… I don’t know, I like everything.”

Me: “Heh, everyone says that.  What’s your favorite song to dance to right now?”

Her: “Oh ummmm….  [song name].”

Me: “Yeah, I love that one.  People always go nuts to it.  Ok so you’re into hip hop… have you heard [song name]?””

Her: “Yeah, I love that one too!”

Me: “Haaaa, nice.  What does it take to get you to dance on a couch at a club?”   At this point, I am taking the conversation from topical (song preferences) to personal (stuff about her personality).  Your screens should go in this direction.

Her: “Ohh you know some good music, some fun people and a few shots!”

Me: “That’s it?  (tease).  How often do you go out?”

Her: “Oh maybe one or two nights a week.”

Me: “Cool, so enough to make your promoters happy. So what are your favorite spots?”

Her: “Ummm, well last few times I went out I was at Pink Elephant and 1Oak.”

Me: “No kidding…. man I had no idea you were so cool.  I’d love to have you join some of our parties”  (this is the qualification – finally)

Her: “Haha thanks!  So wait where do you play?”

Me: “Oh I do a lot of private parties… I’ve done a few other spots… I was doing Empire Hotel for a bit.  Fun time, have you been?”

Her: “Yeah, I’ve been there!  Wait, so are you a full-time DJ?”

Me: “No, it’s just a hobby, I have a real job too.  Wait, what do you do for work?”

Her: “I’m a… [her job].”

Do you see the trajectory here?

It’s screen after screen after screen on my part.  I demonstrated some value and authority in the very beginning.  And my questions continued to do so.

In fact, she has to really work to get any information out of me, while volunteering a lot of her own.

But she *wants* to volunteer it because the right questions are being asked.  I’m demonstrating a real interest in her, and showing no need to validate myself to her.

And critically, I’m not doing any “me too” answers.  Any time I relate to her, it shows that I empathize with and understand her and her world, but because I haven’t explicitly stated anything about my personal experiences and preferences, they remain something of a mystery.  The -only- times I talk about myself are at the beginning and the end.

And at the end, when she asks if I’m full time, I mention that I have another job, then immediately turn it around on her.

Yet another thing I had to learn to do accidentally – you can’t just come out and tell people that you run a company that is the real-life version of Hitch – it’s all they want to talk about.

So right now you might be thinking, “well this is well and good, but I’m not a DJ and I don’t run a company like The Social Man, so how can I do this?”

Well, here’s another time it happened.  This time we were talking about cheeseburgers.  She had mentioned that she absolutely loves burgers.

Me: “Yeah, New York has some of the best burger joints in the world.  I think I’ve been to them all.”  (bait)

Her: “So what’s your favorite?”

Me: “Ummm, there are two that really tie for me, I can never decide.  Shake Shack is one of them, have you been?”  (more bait)

Her: “Oh my God, yes. It’s so good.”

Me: “So what burger you order when you go there?”

Her: “It’s always the same… double cheeseburger”

Me: “Can’t do anything else.  Fries, shake?”

Her: “It depends… you know, I’ve got to watch my girlish figure.”

Me: “Yeah I was gonna say (eying her up and down), doesn’t look like you eat burgers all the time.  How often do you work out?” (screen)

Her: “Ha, like four or five times a week.”

Me: “Nice – morning or evening?”

Her: “Usually after work.  I just can’t do it in the mornings.”

Me: “Yeah, plus when you do it after work you can work off the burger you had for lunch and you feel so much better about yourself.”

Her: “I know, wait… so you said there was another spot you like?”

Me: “Yeah, Soho Park.  Have you been there?”

Her: “No… where is it?”

Me: “What?  How can you call yourself a burger lover and not have eaten there?” (screen)

Her: “I don’t know!  I feel like I’m committing a sin!”

Me: “You almost are.  But you definitely know your burgers.  You should go down there sometime so you can absolve yourself.” (qualification)

Her: “Well you’d have to tell me, or show me, where it is.”

Me: “Well you’d have to get in touch with me for that to happen.”(smiling, of course).

This one isn’t -quite- as linear as the last one.  A new subject appeared: exercising.  But notice how she brought it back to the original thread?  There was some suspense and intrigue… not quite as much as with the dj’ing… but enough to bring it back.  And it didn’t take much for her to volunteer herself for a date.

So what, again, is the formula?

1.)  Volunteer a small amount of information about yourself.

2.) Don’t answer her questions directly. Screen and screen and screen.

3.) Eventually, qualify her

4.) Subtly suggest a way to bring her into your life

In the former example, I told her she’d fit in at our parties.

In the latter example, I tee’d it up, and she took the swing.

Now, how to go from this to getting her to ask for your number?

Simple – do this same “pattern” two to three times in a conversation.  That is, connect on something important to her, show genuine interest and comprehension of her world with the questions you ask, and don’t talk about yourself too much. You will pick up women with aplomb if you’re doing this.

When she indicates that she wants to be a part of your world – which she probably will if you’ve been fun and have intrigued her enough – you just flirtatiously suggest that she should make it happen. You have to attract women.

Of course, when she takes your number, I suggest that you have her call you.  And unless she’s completely throwing herself at you, establish the protocol for who will follow up with who.

“So tell ya what -  text me tomorrow and we’ll set up a time to go down there.”

“Ok, so if I don’t hear from you by tomorrow I’m gonna call you and we’ll set something up.”

This whole sequence – this style of conversation – is something you should be working on anyway.  I always get into trouble when I talk too much.  There is some fun, flirtatious stuff you can throw in along the way, but the foundation here is solid – and that’s what’s going to work no matter who you’re talking to.